2006 05/09

My grandpa

My grandpa has had a stroke.  He was rushed to the hospital yesterday morning and, after many tests, the doctors have determined that he has had a stroke.  From what I understand, it was a very bad stroke that has affected a large portion of his brain, leaving his right side completely paralyzed.  They will continue to do evaluations and tests to see what the “next steps” are for him.  Most likely though, he will be spending a week or so in the hospital and then placed in the rehabilitation hospital down the road from my grandparent’s home.  My grandpa is in his mid-70’s and has been dealing with a lot of problems with his heart.  He has been in and out of the hospital over the past few years, including a nearly 3 week stay in Ann Arbor’s hospital this summer.

So that is the logical side of me, the side that most people see.  This is the emotional side of me….the side that I spend most of my time in when I am alone.

My grandpa has had a stroke.  My grandpa.  The grandpa who nearly raised me.  The grandpa who was everyone’s friend and did anything and everything for anyone who asked.  My heart hurts.  I am sad.  I am very sad.

My grandparents live back in my hometown, an almost 5 hour drive from me.  I struggle with getting the car and driving up there to see him.  Five hours is nothing when it comes to seeing my family, although I don’t drive up there nearly enough.  Tim’s sister has even offered to take Abbi for as long as needed so I can go up there to see him.  So, what is stopping me from driving up there tomorrow morning…..this is something I am struggling with.  I’m not sure that I could handle seeing my grandpa like that.  How selfish is that?  Very!  Here I am, thinking about how I feel and how I would handle it, all the while my grandpa is laying in the hospital.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with what I know I should do and with my fear of having to let him go.  In a way, if I just stay here, then I can stay in denial that anything has happened to my grandpa.  I can continue to see him as this energetic old guy riding a bike around the yard with his grandkids. I don’t want to see him laying in a hospital bed with tubes and machines hooked up to him, not even knowing where he is or who he is with.  The rest of my family is so much stronger than I am.  They are all in the medical field and can separate themselves emotionally from the situation and focus on the medical aspect of it.  Me, I gave up on my medical future when the doctors told me they could never get my shaking under control enough for me to be a doctor.  Now, all I have is the emotional part.

My grandpa….my grandpa…..Lord, my heart hurts so much.

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