2009 06/02

Somewhere on the uneven tile

This evening I hit my breaking point with my girls. Abbi with her constant obstinance and wild and rude behavior and Zoe with her never ending fussing. I can only guess that this is all due to one being a 3 year old and the other pushing through 4 one-year molars and both of them refusing to take afternoon naps this week. It’s been a long week.

So I put both of them in the living room, turned around, walked to the bathroom, locked the door, curled up on the rug, and cried. I laid there for several minutes. Tears streaming down my cheeks onto the tile floor, I stared at the towels hanging on the hook above me and listening to the clicking of the clock. The girls pounded on the door a few times. I told them to go play, mommy needed a break.

Finally I pulled myself together, got up of the floor, unlocked the door, and kissed both girls on the head as I made my way to the kitchen. I quietly made them dinner while they played and then the three of us sat down to eat together. Two hours later they are both tucked into bed (not sleeping yet though). In ten or eleven hours we will all wake up and start another day, a clean slate of sorts.

As I was lying on the floor I decided something, I am not the mom I want to be. I am not the woman I want to be. I could say I’m doing the best I can but am I? Really? I don’t think I am. I’d like to think I am but I don’t. And I don’t know what the solution is. More “me” time away? A mentor? Prozac?

All I know is that I was able to release some of those bottled up emotions as I was lying on that floor and that tomorrow is another day.

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