2011 12/10

Our last baby

For all practical purposes, we are done having babies. Yes, I know that things can happen. I’ve heard the stories about your friend’s neighbor’s sister who got pregnant 10 years after they ‘thought’ they were done. But it would take an act of God or a big mistake on the urologist’s part for us to get pregnant now.

And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Well, I should say that I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t regret our decision. We definitely feel like we are very happy being a family of five (plus the dog) and I’m so excited to start our journey as such. But there’s a part of me that’s sad. Now, when we celebrate Talon’s ‘firsts’, I can’t help but think that we are also experiencing our ‘lasts’.

I will never feel those little kicks inside my belly. Or the hiccups. Or experience that amazing sense of a miracle growing inside me.

We’ve already moved though our last first roll-over, our last first crawl, our last first smile, our last first tooth, our last first words.

I find myself spending extra time snuggling with Talon as he falls asleep on my chest, knowing that soon those snuggles will be a thing of the past.

I breath in his sweet baby smells. Lose myself in his calming breaths as he nuzzles his fuzzy baby head into my neck.

I will miss these days. Yes, I know that we have a lot of fun experiences and ‘firsts’ still ahead of us, but some days I mourn the idea that he will be my last baby. That when I pack away those newborn clothes, that I’m not packing them away for the next baby. At least not for our next baby.

It’s a sadness I didn’t expect. A sadness that no one warned me about.

It’s funny,  the doctor did a lot of talking with Tim about the physical procedure of the vasectomy. Prepping, the procedure itself, and healing. We had pamphlets sitting around for weeks about it all. But I don’t remember seeing any pamphlet about about the emotional ‘procedure’. I don’t remember anyone telling me that I would feel sad about it. That months later a sense of mourning would set in.

Maybe it’s because most women don’t feel this way after it’s all said and done. Or maybe because they just don’t talk about. Are we not supposed to talk about it? Because I wanted this? I wanted to be done. So am I not allowed to be sad?

Because, I’m sad.

Talon Crawling

6 Comments

  • I get sad too and even though we haven’t made the final step in “being done” yet – we will be the end of the year and I get panicy about it every once in a while. the what if is hard to counter …. I’ll feel sad with you and we can talk about it all you want :)

  • If I had know this was your last one I would have warned you. It is really hard. Everyone you know will get pregnant, and just let yourself have that feeling of sadness and… Yes, envy. It goes away eventually but honestly, it took me a year. I went through a whole emotional thing with it, and it is bewildering to move on to the next stage or season or phase or however you think about it. I’ll be thinking of you!!

  • My “baby” is now 9. And it is weird moving beyond that stage. You feel like you will be in it forever but eventually it has to end.
    I’m glad we stopped at 3 but it definetly is a loss. Cherish your time with him :)

  • Thanks Mary! I know we will be very happy as a family of 5 but, yeah, it’s just a weird feeling.

  • Thanks Jen! I wish we had talked before about it. It’s just an odd conversation to bring up 😉 I hope maybe this will help start the conversation for others though. Maybe I should create a pamphlet for our urologist to hand out :)

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